A Rough Start…

I’ve always been a loner-type of guy who didn’t have many friends throughout high-school . I didn’t really care for much besides the video games I had at that time (I used to be a Video Game Addict). I could entertain myself for days and days on end without ever needing any social contact. It caused me to become pretty socially awkward, a bit shy and very unconfident. Many people thought I was strange or “nerdy”and didn’t want to connect with me for a loooong period of time (see the o’s? Yeah, that long!)

Bottom line is, I never really cared much for anyone else besides myself and my video games. I lived in my own world for over 8 years and didn’t want anything to mess with my reality. After this mindset partially destroyed my relationship at age 18 I couldn’t cope with myself any longer. I just knew it had to change. I quit my video game addiction and over time started to work on my social skills by going out more, making new friends (and actually hanging out with them besides school).

It was probably one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life so far (2^nd to starting weightlifting ;)). It has allowed me to go trough a period of full immersion in self-improvement which is continuing until this very day. By reading books like “7 habits of highly effective people”, “Think and grow rich”, “Personal Development for smart people”, “Mastery” and “How to win friends and influence people” I started to note how valuable and important social connections are in life. Not only for your personal happiness but also to lead a balanced and fulfilling life. And frankly I didn’t have many social connections at that time… (if any at all)

Be Selfish… Kind of… 

Therefore, I started to invest more in other people because I knew that I was severely lacking in this area. I realized that in order for me to get where I want to go I needed to genuinely and honestly help other people in getting where they wanted to go.

Although helping others is always projected as selfless it is a required component for your own happiness (yes, you read that correctly!) Contribution is required/necessary/obligated for your personal happiness! Without adding value to other peoples life we don’t get the feeling that our lives truly matter.

So basically, if you love yourself the next logical step is to love others. I’ve read a great article on the topic of happiness that goes into more detail on the topic of why helping others is actually an act of self-interest.

To quote the article;

“The implication is that we are hard-wired to be altruistic. To put it another way, it’s difficult for humans to be truly selfless, for generosity feels so good.”

 

“The most selfish thing you can do is to help other people, says Brian Mullaney”

 

“Let’s remember that while charity has a mixed record helping others, it has an almost perfect record of helping ourselves. Helping others may be as primal a human pleasure as food or sex.”

Note that this isn’t a quick fix I’m talking about! Loving people is a change in lifestyle that you should work on every day. True empathy and understanding can’t be faked (everyone senses flattery/dishonest compliments and no one likes it) Without people in our life we feel empty, unimportant and can even fall into great depressions.

Oneness

A concept that has helped me in focusing more on other people is “oneness”. Oneness is A cool principle I’ve found in the book “Personal Development for Smart People” by Steve Pavlina.

Oneness is the idea that all living things are interconnected. These days our world lives in separation marked by conflict, judgment, insecurity, jealousy and so-forth whilst true interpersonal success lies in creating strong, interpersonal bonds. Just imagine a society where everyone feels like close family and friends, where everyone acts in the best interest of others and where everyone unconditionally loves others. This is exactly what “oneness” means; Knowing that all people are one, knowing that we’re all part of a bigger entity. Knowing that everybody is you. All parts of a bigger picture

Living according to this belief will make you unable to hurt, judge, lie to or condemn other people. Just as much as you’re unable to hurt yourself. You’ll be in a state of constant interest and empathy towards other people because you’re basically helping yourself.

This is a pretty abstract concept to grasp but it does add a deeper layer of connection to your day-to-day interactions with friends, family or strangers.

Getting Hurt

Off-course you’ll have people saying that if you treat people with love that they’ll just walk over you. That people can hurt you because some don’t really care about others (like I used to do). And that’s right! It’s completely true that the possibility to get hurt is present. But on the opposite side there’s also the possibility to deeply connect with other people and acquire a really strong bond between you two, which is one of the best feelings in the world.

Is the possibility of getting hurt worth the consequence of not knowing love at all? The answer to that question is something you’ll have to decide for yourself.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable” – C.S. Lewis

Quoting everybody today, haha

This doesn’t mean you should go out and help everyone in your vicinity. You can’t sacrifice yourself for others because you’ll deny yourself the opportunity to help others in the long-term. There’s a difference between being a good man and an overly nice guy. As with all things you’ll need a balance between selfishness and altruism.

Which brings me to the next topic…

Self-Sacrifice as Virtue

Some people might argue that living a life of service to others is the best option and the only morally justified one (and therefore selfish altruism is evil!). But this is where they are wrong (IMO). When you live your life in service to others (and basically sacrifice yourself for the less favored) you’re unable to help others to your full capacity.

Sure you can give compassion, empathy to others and make them dependent on you, but that doesn’t improve their condition nor does it serve them in a significant way. Whereas the person who’s life is “complete” (and acts out of his desire to contribute and personal significance) is able to provide much more than the selfless person.

A great read on this topic is the article “Why Doing Good Is Selfish” by Randy Gage

“And because they don’t look after their own needs first, they really can’t help others in a healthy way.  They can console them, participate in their drama, or enable their co-dependence, but they can’t offer them real, meaningful help.

 

Or to repeat an oft-quoted line from a character in The Fountainhead, “To say ‘I love you,’ one must first know how to say the word ‘I.’”

 

I believe your highest moral purpose must be your own happiness.  Because this is the only healthy, sane way to live.  And the only way that ensures the survival of the species, and the well being of the most people.  In fact, it is the only honorable way to conduct any relationship.

 

You must not sacrifice yourself to others because that is depravity. Depravity because it is a certain state of moral corruption and degradation.”

You cannot help others to your full capacity if you still need help yourself.

For example; If you’re in a crashing airplane you should first help yourself to get an oxygen mask or you’ll be rendered useless to help others. Sacrificing yourself will render you unable to help others in the long-term and will eventually result in the downfall of both of you.

Pure Selfishness

On the other hand, acting solely out of self-interested is not justified in any way and will
eventually lead to your own doom. I’ve heard people saying that crooked bankers, thieves and frauds have a better life than them by “cheating the system.” By stealing money from others and escaping to foreign countries they’re able to live the life of their dreams happily ever after.

It seems like these impure minds get “rewarded” whilst they cause pain, jealousy and distrust. We on the other hand blame our virtues for our unfavorable circumstances and wonder why we’re even trying to be “good” people in the first place when the bad qualities are rewarded. Or so it seems.

In my opinion they’ve broken all three requisites for happiness and personal fulfillment in their life. They lack;

Identity

By compromising their values for money they’ve destroyed their own identity.

IMO a person like that isn’t able to stare himself down in the mirror and be proud of who he is. No matter how much money he has, no matter how many women he beds, no matter how much alcohol he drinks or how many vacations he has. No external escape can fill his internal void.

In the end when he comes home and sees himself in the mirror he won’t be able to stare himself down. That right there is in my eyes the most debilitating emotion a person can experience; the lack of identity. Being disgusted about who you’ve become.

Growth 

They’ve “reached” their final destination in life and therefore just settle themselves somewhere on their big pile of money. They’ll have sacrificed their growth for something they thought would bring them great fulfillment. But eventually they’ll find out it was all a hoax.

And when they lie there on the beach in their swimming shorts, basking in the sun they’ll start to wonder what they’re missing. Why doesn’t it feel great to have everything someone could ever want? Why do I have this nagging feeling that I’m missing out on something?

Because life = growth

There’s no way around that fact. Settling = death. Whenever you start to lower your consciousness when you’ve achieved a certain level of comfort your mind starts to disengage and wear you down. You go into zombie-mode as I like to call it.

You’re lacking direction, purpose and a real reason to live for. The purpose of life is growing. What isn’t growing, is simply dying off.

Contribution

He was constantly looking for ways to cheat the system and to get rich by taking from others instead of contributing value. Therefore he’s lacking the feeling of importance. He doesn’t perceive himself as valuable because he doesn’t add value to the world.

Contribution gives you the feeling that you truly matter. By cheating the system you skip on this key necessity for happiness.

Essence

Alright, now what should you take away from this post? Remember that you can’t really aid others to your fullest extent if you are also in desperate need of help. Focus on improving your capacity to help first (by creating yourself) before you “rescue” others.

Be selfish first and then help others. Strive for a balance between contribution and selfishness and don’t solely act out of self-interest. The one who’s focused only on himself has marked a surefire way to his own downfall.

Without contribution there’s no success
Without contribution there’s no happiness
Without contribution there’s no self

Anyway, that’s all I have to say on that topic for today but I’m sure more will be coming in the future. Before I leave you;

What is one thing you can do to improve your capacity to help others?

Let me know in the comment section below!

Take care

Love,

Simon

 

Is Porn Bad?

I’ve been reading quite a lot on the topic of sex and sexual energy lately and I’ve found that some ways by which we approach sexuality are not exactly what they should be. For example, women are sexually repressed and judged whenever they sleep around (even if they don’t have a relationship) and men are sexually frustrated caused by a lack of sexual satisfaction in their personal life.

Sex is still (even in this age) a controversial topic. While in fact it is one of our most basic desires. Judging, suppressing and hiding this important aspect of our lives under a load of superficial BS only makes the problem worse. Sexual interest is something that should be freely encouraged. The days where we only had sex for procreation are loooong gone. So drop the

Therefore we start to resort to quick, instant forms of gratification! Namely Porn. One of the most popular search terms in google these days;

 

What’s Wrong With Porn?

Porn is pretty much made for men only. They accentuate everything that men these days think is “the ideal” of what women want. Massive penises, constant moaning and mostly focused on penetration. It’s basically an ego-trip for men to satisfy their basic instincts (in an unnatural way). It creates a super-high standard and certain level of expectancy from both sides. Which is ridiculous to say the least.

We are provided with this quote-on-quote “idealized” perspective of what sex is about.But plainly;

porn is just fake.

The only things that porn provides is;

a) Instant Sexual Gratification
b) Wrong image of what “real” sex is about

 

Why Is This Wrong?

Sexual satisfaction shouldn’t be achieved virtually but only in reality. Instant sexual satisfaction has become so easily accessible through the internet that modern society has become obsessed by it. We’ve stopped caring about the real thing and have become so desensitized about sex that it has led to unnatural extremes which are continuously going to get worse if we don’t deal more consciously with the way we approach our sexuality.

In some countries and with some men that has taken a heavy toll. They’ve become so addicted to instant gratification and masturbation that they just can’t get turned on by “normal” girls at all.

They’ve become convinced that porn and masturbation is better than the real thing. Women have become less attractive to them because of the desensitizing effect porn has had on them.

Boys/men these days get introduced to virtual sex before they experience real sex and IMO that is pretty disturbing. Therefore we should focus on educating children from a young age on the effects that porn can have on the image they have of sex.

They need to realize that porn, in essence is fake. If you have the time and are interested, I’ve included an interesting documentary about porn and its effects on our youth.;

Energy

Another reason why porn is not good for you is because excessive masturbation (read: overstimulation) leads to a loss of energy. Like I already mentioned in an earlier article about Sexual Energy is that this can lead to chronic fatigue and even depression. (At least from my experience)

I believe in the fact that when a man comes in a woman he basically gives her his “life energy”. How cliché this may sound, it is what I’ve experienced in the past. I’m not a fan of overly holistic and spiritual approaches to life but I believe there’s some truth to be found in those ideologies.

I pretty much feel exhausted and empty when I’ve had one to many orgasms from sex. (and masturbation)

Essence

Anyway, what should you take away from this article? Accept the fact that most of the porn out there is fake and that it desensitizes us from the real thing. Keep yourself under control by practicing some sexual energy cultivation (ejaculating less frequently). You’ll feel much more energized and driven to work towards your goals.

That’s all I have to say for today on this topic! More coming soon since I’m reading a quite interesting book on this titled “Secrets Of Sexual Ecstasy“. You can download/read it for free at the link provided above
Take care!

Love,

Simon

Sources
http://picjumbo.com/

Energy

Lately I’ve been dating again and I’ve met this really awesome, cute looking girl on the train. We started talking a bit about random subjects and whatnot. Just having some fun and enjoying the time we spent together :). I knew she really liked me, so I decided to ask for her number. For a while we texted back and forth and I teased her allot but always made her smile. I really liked her.

Drained

So naturally I decided we had to meet. Recently we spent the whole day and night together and although we had a great deal of fun, I felt really empty afterwards. I was completely depleted. We slept a great deal of the day and didn’t really went outside besides going to the grocery store (partly because it was really bad weather).

We spent the day in my dorm room talking, watching movies, cooking and having sex. Basically the day was unproductive and left me feeling empty afterwards. I’m not exactly sure what caused me to feel drained. But I presume it might have been the sex. This really reminded me of my previous relationship (and I don’t want to experience that all over again). See my very first blog post

Energy

In my opinion this is caused by the fact that I just had too much sex (orgasms to be more particular). By having regular orgasms, I pump my body full of endorphin’s which numb down my senses and brain activity.

So I basically give away my “energy” by coming inside her. Sounds pretty logical doesn’t it? It might sound like a load of nonsense to you but I’m actually starting to believe in the concept of sexual energy.

I’ve read this article about sexual energy that really opened my eyes on the subject. I’m starting to believe that by having to many orgasms I’m pretty much giving away my sexual energy to my girlfriend. This results in feeling empty and depleted.

So I want to retain my sexual energy by having an orgasm without actually ejaculating (like the article talks about). The Chinese call this energy the chi. I will probably read some books on the topic of chakras and Taoism to further extend my knowledge on this. By my opinion there is allot of wisdom and truth that can be found in Chinese culture.

Solution?

I don’t want my new relationship to end up like my previous one did (Me getting depressed and drained of energy) So I’m going to research some articles and books on retaining ejaculation :)!

I don’t know if this sexual energy thing is actually legit but all I know is that I feel really tired and unmotivated to do anything after orgasm (even days after). And I want it to be different because I believe sex should be energizing and revitalizing instead of draining you!

In my opinion this is definitely a subject worthy to explore :) I’ll keep you posted on this!

Essence

So what do you think about this? Do you think sexual energy is nonsense and I’m just going to waste my time on this? Or do you think I might actually be on to something?

Anyway, let me know ;) If you have any thoughts or questions on this topic, feel free to share them with me in the comments below. Thanks for reading my post! You are pretty awesome for doing that!
Take care!

Love

Simon

Sources
http://www.shedoesthecity.com/how_to_orgasm_without_ejaculating
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qi

Relationships

I’ve been thinking about this subject for quite a while now. From the way I see it , you can have two different types of relationships. You either commit to a single person or you have an open relationship with multiple people.

Difference?

The main focus in a committed relationship is love while an open relationship needs sex as primary focus. Or that is the way I see it, at least :)

You have to sacrifice depth in an open relationship to prevent attaching yourself to that person. Otherwise you’ll get jealousy sprouted from insecurity. You can’t equally divide deep and meaningful love in an open relationship without one person feeling left-out. and that is the reason why I think you sacrifice depth for love/closeness in an open relationship. So by definition open relationships are more superficial since you don’t love the other persons truly the way you can in a monogamous relationship.

Trust & Cheating 

Off-course trust and honesty is very important in both types of situations. You always need to talk about your intentions prior to sex if you want to establish any stable, lasting connection at all.In my opinion,  you can”t cheat on your partner if you are both clear and honest about your intentions. If you want an open relationship and the other person isn’t comfortable with that you just don’t continue with it.

Why Choose Monogamy?

 Closeness, depth, love, bonding, commitment, sex, intimacy, clarity, security

Why Choose Open Relationships?

sex, intimacy, new experiences, freedom.

I’ve also stumbled on this, It is a committed open relationship with two girls loving the same man. They seem to be doing great and I don’t condemn free love but I just think you can’t have a strong bond with two people at the same time without jealousy/neglection.

Essence

Anyway these are some thoughts on different types of relationships. I’m sure I’ll come back to this topic since love and relationships are very important in my life. I know it is controversial ;) So feel free to share your thoughts on this subject.
Take Care!
Love

Simon