The Key To Success
In my most recent post I’ve been talking about how being selfish can actually make you a better person! How you should focus on improving your capacity to help first (by creating yourself) before you “rescue” others. This way you can ensure that you’re able to help people to your utmost capacity later and therefore be an even bigger asset to society than if you would have sacrificed yourself for the gain of others in the first place
Now, to achieve a balance in this I’ve also stated that it is important to actually use the capacity you’ve build up over time to help others. When your life is “handled” and you’re ready and able to share your knowledge, skills and positive energy with the world you should do so! This way other people can also achieve the life they want to live (and it also increases your own success and balance)
Why Improve Emotional Intelligence?
In building your success, people are the key. More specific: emotional intelligence is the key. The one who is able to master emotional intelligence is the one who has mastered life. You don’t need any marketing gimmicks, sale techniques, over-qualifications, a hundred degrees or anything of the sort to be successful in life. The only thing you need to do is to improve your emotional intelligence. By doing this you get an array of unbelievable benefits!
- Improvement of your financial situation
- Improvement of your social life
- You’ll get anything you want
- You’ll get more opportunities
- You’ll have more positive emotions
- Ultimately you’ll achieve happiness and balance
- And much more..
The key to success is helping others get what they want.
“You can get everything in the world If only you’re willing to help others get what they want” – Mark Twain
Now, how do we handle people? How can we create ourselves in a way that we can create more favorable circumstances. How can we get what we want out of others without backhanded or shady techniques by which we try to manipulate them?
I’ve personally been reading a lot of books on the topic of emotional intelligence like I already stated before. In these books I’ve noticed many recurring principles in dealing with people and they are perfectly applicable so you can start implementing them in your life RIGHT NOW! (how cool is that?) I’ve personally been using these “techniques” (I put it in quotations as techniques sounds like you’re trying to manipulate people into liking you, whilst you’re actually just purifying your character aka creating yourself ;)) for the last two months and they’ve already given me some great results!
Will Smith eloquently puts improving emotional intelligence as
“To illuminate the things in my personality that are likable and to hide and protect the things that are less likeable.” – Will Smith
That’s exactly what we’re after when we aim to improve our emotional intelligence! Getting rid of bad qualities and implementing new, empowering ones to create who we want to be!
Now like I said I’ve been reading a lot of different books on the topic and have found some recurring patterns on how to deal with people the best way as possible! Here are some key practical tips on how you can improve emotional intelligence;
First rule I use in social interactions is simply smiling. I believe in the statement that “emotions are infectious”. When you’re happy, positive and are able to make other people smile you are always able to “infect” and therefore change their emotional state for the better
We naturally drift towards people who make us feel good and automatically want to keep that person in our life. People who are depressed, sad and anxious just don’t have many friends because their emotional state brings down others instead of lifting them up.
Even when you don’t feel like smiling you should still actively try to change your emotional state! because being in a positive “flow” has a huge beneficial impact on your social relationships.
In my own experiences I’ve found many times that when I was in a great emotional state I’m able to relate so much better with other people. I’m able to get more done from others or am even offered free services or material wealth just because genuine happiness and excitement is scarce these days. I’ve gotten phone numbers from women who wanted to connect with me because I provided those positive emotions.
It’s the same reason why I try not to judge, condemn or complain other people. Negative emotions get you nowhere. They either put people in a defensive position because they feel attacked or just don’t want to disconnect with you at all.
If you only take away one thing from this post it should be to radiate positive emotions whenever possible.
Talk In The Interest Of Other People
Become genuinely interested in others and understand them emphatically! It is the biggest gift you can ever give someone. Talk about other people instead of yourself! Talk about their interests or at least try to figure out what they’re interested in.
“Hey man, what do you do in your spare time?”
“I like to work in my garden from time to time.”
“Really? My garden looks miserable! How do you get yours in such great condition?”
Develop an interest in others and they’ll automatically start liking you more. Everybody loves to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Be the person who wants to listen to others instead of the person who solely talks about himself and his own interests.
Appreciate People Often
Appreciate people for the smallest things they’ve accomplished. Celebrate their successes and minimize their failures. Every human being has the need (not want but the need) to feel important. The need to feel valuable.
So why deprive other people of this great feeling? Recognize their importance, their achievements and the value they provide to your life (whether this is big or small). Whenever you feel a compliment bubbling up for someone you shouldn’t hold it back! Give honest and sincere compliments by searching for the good aspects in everyone.
On a sidenote: never flatter anyone. Don’t tell people what they want to hear about themselves but genuinely search for an aspect you appreciate in the other person.
For example: A rich friend of yours has bought a really expensive car but you think it looks hideous.
Rich friend: Hey man! I bought this new ride, do you like it?
You: I can really see how you love this car man! Although it isn’t 100% my taste I really admire the work ethic you put into your job to be able to afford this new car!
Rich friend: Yeah, I did work hard for it. Thanks man! Tastes differ I guess :) (open & receptive)
Rich friend: Hey man! I bought this new ride, do you like it
You: No, I think it looks horrible man. Can’t believe you spent so much money on it!
Rich friend: Ow, well it’s a damn great car. it’s a shame you don’t like it. It has benefits x and y and can do… (defensive)
See the difference? Not only will you come over as a genuine, independent person, you’ll also come over much more likeable when you search for the good in every person.
Like I said before all people have the basic need to feel important. Therefore you should always remember some basic attributes about everyone you meet. Remember peoples name and one or two interests. That’s the way I do it at least.
Imagine meeting someone you haven’t seen in quite a while and you immediately greet him/her by name and ask something along the lines of; “How’s your house coming along? Is the construction finished yet?”
Most people don’t even take the effort to remember someones name when they meet a new person. If you can retain the name and some traits you’ll give people the feeling that they actually matter to you, that they are valuable to remember.
Me personally, I got a notebook of all the people I care to remember in case I ever encounter them again. I make my list pretty simple. I write down the setting in which I met those people, their name and some personal traits/interests.
Be Pure Of Heart (Morality)
Be a genuinely good person! I’ve talked about this in almost every single post I’ve written on this blog. It’s basically about setting a high standard for acceptable behavior for yourself, a moral behavior code so to speak. Meaning that you should set a standard for acceptable behavior from yourself to others (how you treat people).
Not lying, being honest, keeping secrets, having integrity (actually doing what you say you’re going to do), don’t judge others, don’t steal, don’t cheat and so-forth. Having these standards written out for yourself is what will make you able to identify yourself as a genuinely good man. Over time these will form the building blocks of you character, they’ll represent who you are as person and you’ll start identifying yourself with being a “good man.”
People automatically want to connect with the ones who
don’t have any hidden agenda’s, are
transparent and honest about their intentions. The pure
man cannot possibly fail despite his setbacks. A great
books on this topic is “As A Man Thinketh by James Allen”
Another great source on being pure of heart is the movie “Forrest Gump”
Basically it all boils down to loving people. It’s not a quick-fix like I stated before but a huge change in lifestyle that will benefit you greatly!
I used to be an introverted, shy video game addict but as I recognized the importance of emotional intelligence, I wanted to start being someone who loves people. Someone that is actually interested in others because I could clearly see all the benefits this could provide for my life (and the pain it could cause if I didn’t change who I was)
I’m going to share some stories of my own life in which I’ve been using these skills and have been able to emotionally impact people on a big scale.
Case 1: Grandpa
I’ve never really had a great connection with my grandparents but did see a great lack in my social skills and just knew that love is the best way to increase not only my own happiness and success but also that of others (according to the principle of oneness I talked about in my previous post). So I started to talk to my grandpa about the things that interested him the most. This was primarily the fact that he was lacking appreciation and gratitude for the things he had done for other people. Others didn’t make him feel valuable.
My grandpa has always been a hard worker and occasionally sacrificed himself for others whilst all he wanted in return was more appreciation and the feeling that he truly mattered. So that’s exactly what I gave him. We talked (or at least he did, I listened) for three hours straight about his past accomplishments, troubles, view on life, value of hard work, value of treating people right, importance of family and the love he had for them. He became emotional and wiped down a tear whilst thinking I didn’t see it.
He completely opened up to me and loved me back for it. He grabbed his wallet and instantly gave me all the content it had, he appreciated the fact that I stayed to talk to him for quite some time, offered me something to eat and drink, wanted to meet me again and no doubt he thought I was one of the most interesting conversationalists he had encountered in a long time.
And best of all; it all came from a genuine place. Not because I was trying to get something out of him (maybe social experience and some form of happiness) but because we are one.
This was one of the more memorable experiences I’ve had the last couple of months.
Case 2: M.
M has been a great friend of mine for quite some time and he has personally been one of my first “real friends” after I quit my video game addiction last year. He always stood by my side (and actually pushed on our relationship) and kept trying to connect with me in a time where I was still only focused on creating and improving myself. This was about September/Oktober 2013. (full self-improvement immersion)
As time went on and we grew closer, he became interested in the self-improvement things I was occupied with. He wanted to learn more about them since he recognized that he had some grave character flaws that could really hurt him in the future.
He was very confused and narcissistic in the period before he came to my school. He used girls, thought himself as the most important person in the world and was centered around popularity. (See personal centers in a previous post on how to build character)
Anyway, trough my own self-improvement journey I discovered the faults in my own character; I was narcissistic, greedy and unsociable. Learning about self-purification also made me able to spot the defects in other peoples character and saw how those defects were causing my friend pain.
So I started to talk about how he could improve his bad character traits (not because I knew the principles I talked about above but because he had helped me with so much that I had the natural inclination to do something back).
I also admired his accomplishments and tremendous social skills (that I didn’t have) and appreciated him for sharing his knowledge with me about how to relate better to people.
We talked and talked for hours and after a while he started to recognize his own, faulty character traits and see how they’ve been causing him so much pain. In a moment of purification (as I like to call it) he broke down in tears and embraced me from sheer relief.
This was my first experience with the techniques I’ve mentioned above although I didn’t know them at that time.
Case 3: Myself
This is going to be an example where someone else used the same techniques on me to create a similar emotional response. This time it wasn’t a friend nor family member but just a simple song. The song is called “Make it stop” by Rise Against. The sing is mainly about bullying, suicide and standing up for yourself.
I don’t necessary connect with the theme whereas the lyrics sinked deeply into my heart. I feel like this song describes exactly the feelings I went trough whilst regaining control of my life after my video game addiction. This song is able to bring tears to my eyes and motivate me to keep going. (re-listened to it just now and it did the trick again haha)
In this song I see myself as the bully. The person who’s trying to block me from the future I deserve by constantly wasting my times on video games and bringing myself down. I see the breaking free as the time I took back control over my life and actually overcame my addiction. The time where I had enough of my bullshit and demanded of myself to create something better. I identify with this song and that’s exactly why it is so powerful for me.
Here’s the song if you want to listen to it;
Favorite line; “proud I stand of who I am, prepared to go on living”
I have more videos that connect with me in a similar way but not to the extent this has had. It really shows how simply “being understood” can impact us.
Emotional pain linked to deep empathic understanding is the best feeling of relief one can imagine
Anyway, I really thought this message was more than worth sharing! The message of this post is very easy; If you love yourself, love people. Maybe you don’t feel it in your heart yet that it’s the right thing to do but at least I hope I’ve been able to show and prove how much of an impact deep connections of love otwards other people can not only help you to a great extend but also make this world a better place.
Be the strong, calm and good person who everyone cherishes in their heart and your success is guaranteed.
If you feel like this post can help anyone else. Feel free to share it with your friends or send it in a mail to your mom! It helps me out a lot!
Anyway, before I leave you guys I want to pose another question (as is customary apparently these days ;))
How can you apply any of the above techniques today? (if you did it, let me know the results!)